Always
by Aradia17
Summary: Cate really believed Lux would have a better life without her. The night after Lux's testimony at the trial, Cate is left to process what really came of her decision. Some character exploration and a Cate/Lux conversation processing the events of episode 2x11.


**_Content Warning:_** Contains sensitive subject material related to sexual abuse. Nothing too graphic, but it is potentially triggering.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing.

**Always**

Wine and silence. After all the wild and terrible intensity of the previous twenty-four hours, this was how it ended for Cate: sitting alone at the kitchen table, halfway through a bottle of wine, trying to come to terms with her demons.

It was unsettling how quickly adrenaline-fueled madness could simmer down to normal life. For the last few days, Cate had only managed to keep going because they had limited time to make the best case they could for Tasha. Now they had succeeded; Tasha was going to be okay, Ryan was helping her make arrangments for her temporary stay in juvenile detention, and Baze was wrapping up legalities with his dad and the lawyer.

And Lux refused to say a word about her emotional disclosure on the witness stand and went to bed at seven o'clock, leaving Cate in the kitchen with her wine and self-loathing.

All these years, she had managed to believe that she really had made the best choice, not only for herself but also for her daughter. Two sixteen-year-olds who weren't even dating would have been terrible parents to a child. She deserved better, deserved all the opportunities _real_ parents could offer her. It certainly seemed believeable that a baby as cute and perfect as Lux would be snatched up by a loving family mere seconds after Cate let her go. She thought of Lux often in the sixteen years after that decision was made, but every time she pictured it, her daughter was part of the prime white-picket fence existence that she deserved.

Even after that picture was shattered with the reality that Lux had spent her whole life in hospitals and foster care, Cate's ability to believe the most comforting version of reality continued. Lux had been through a lot; she'd been neglected and unwanted and starved of parental love, but for a kid who had been through so much, she was so normal and well adjusted! Rough around the edges, yes, and brimming with trust issues, but not hateful or jumpy or broken. Lux told her once that she was "a lot more messed up" than she let on, but even then Cate couldn't let the worries that gnawed on the edges of her subconscious push forward. Lux had been as lucky as a foster child could be; she hadn't been beaten or abused, and thank god for that.

_I'm an idiot,_ Cate thought to herself as she refilled her wine glass. _A terrible mother, and a complete idiot._

She should have known. She should have realized that Lux might not have been as lucky as she wanted to believe. She just couldn't bear the thought that her own selfish actions had left her daughter not only alone, but at the mercy of men like _him_. Unfortunately reality didn't coincide with her delusions. Lux had been abandoned, beaten, and molested, and it was all her fault.

As she remembered the sight of Lux falling apart on the witness stand, confessing to the horrors she'd endured and tried so hard to forget, Cate felt her own tears begin to fall down her cheeks.

A strange noise broke Cate from her reverie. It took her a minute to place it, but she realized the sound was coming from Lux's room and she jumped to her slightly wobbly feet and wandered toward the trap-door attic entrance. Standing below didn't help her place it, so as quietly as she could, she lowered the ladder and began to climb upward, a task made more difficult by the half bottle of wine now swimming in her stomach.

What she found broke her heart even more: Lux was tangled in her blankets, thrashing back and forth, whimpering loudly every few seconds. As a lump formed in Cate's throat, Lux began to mumble things incoherently. All Cate could make out was, "Stop ..."

She moved to Lux's side and sat down beside her, gently laying a hand on the girl's shoulder. "Lux, sweetie, it's just a dream, wake up ..." Getting no response, she tightened her grip ever so gently and shook her a bit. "Lux!"

At the shoulder shaking, Lux's eyes flew open and she looked around herself wildly, not really seeming to see her immediate surroundings. She shoved Cate's arm away and screamed, "No, please!"

Cate stared in shock, feeling a sob escape as she said haltingly once again, "L-Lux?"

The girl paused this time, her eyes seemed to focus, and she saw that it was Cate sitting beside her, looking terrified. Lux's face fell, her eyes grew glassy, and her lip trembled. "Cate?"

"I'm right here," Cate assured her, and Lux melted into her arms, shaking violently. "Oh, baby, you're safe now, I promise ..."

Lux's grip on Cate tightened even more and both of them dissolved into tears. Cate rocked her back and forth, stroking her hair and saying over and over, "I'm here now, you're safe." Lux cried until her tears stopped falling and her dry sobs stilled and even then she wouldn't let go of Cate for a very long time.

Eventually she sat back and sniffled, pulling her knees to her chest and hugging them tightly against her. She was still trembling slightly, and she didn't seem to be able to pull away from Cate completely; she was still leaning against her, and Cate wrapped her arm around Lux's shoulders, not wanting to lose that physical contact either.

"Bad dream," Cate observed softly.

"Bad memory," Lux whispered, staring off at something Cate couldn't see.

Her breath caught in her throat for a moment, but Cate choked past it. "How ... how long did he hurt you? The whole time you were there?"

Lux stiffened and remained silent and Cate thought she had probably pressed too much, as always. She was surprised when Lux nodded slightly.

A pained sound escaped from Cate's throat involuntarily. "Two whole years?" She wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer.

A long pause. "It didn't get really bad until toward the end." There was no emotion on Lux's face or in her voice now, just a million-yard stare. "Sometimes months would pass with nothing, and I'd think it was over, but then it would start again ..."

Cate thought for a moment that she might actually throw up. She couldn't speak.

With sudden violent force, Lux squeezed her eyes closed and shook her head. "I can't ... I don't talk about it. I'm sorry ..."

"Hey," Cate said gently, grabbing Lux's trembling hand in her own. "You have _nothing_ to apologize for. Why are you saying you're sorry?"

After a long pause, still avoiding Cate's eyes, Lux whispered, "When I told Valerie, she said ... she said that if it had really been going on so long I would have done something sooner to stop it..." Fresh tears formed in her eyes and tightened the hug she was giving her knees. Sounding almost desperate and very, very young, she whimpered, "Cate, I tried ... I promise I did ..."

"Oh, Lux ..." Cate's voice was trembling with the force it took to hold herself together. She had never felt such a mixture of hatred, horror, and agony as she did right then.

She moved so that she was kneeling in front of Lux instead of sitting beside her, forcing her daughter to meet her eyes. Taking hold of both her hands, Cate said firmly, "You did _nothing_ wrong, do you hear me? Not a single thing. You did not deserve anything that happened to you. If you can believe only one thing that I ever tell you, I need you to believe that."

Lux was crying again, but she nodded and tightened her grip on her mother's hands.

Cate kept talking through her own renewed tears. "I, on the other hand, am so, _so_ sorry. I am so sorry that I left you, that I trusted other people to take care of you, that I wasn't there for you when that bastard was-"

She couldn't finish the sentence and Lux's eyes snapped closed as though she was shutting out more memories, so perhaps it was better that she wasn't able.

"It's okay," Lux whispered.

"No, it's not," Cate argued. "Nothing is farther from okay."

Lux held her mother's gaze without looking away for the first time since waking up from her nightmare. "Cate, you believed me," she said, almost in wonder. "You believed me when I told you what happened, even after I tried to tell you I made it up. You believed me even though I lied so many times to keep the truth hidden from you because I was so sure you'd think that was a lie too."

"Of _course_ I believed you," Cate replied simply. "You're my daughter. When you tell me something like this, I don't hesitate to believe you." She reached up and brushed a lock of hair out of the girl's eyes. "Lux, what Valerie did was not normal. She was sick. It's not what any good person would do in that situation. It's not what someone who loved you would do. But I love you, Lux, more than anything in my life, and I am not going anywhere _ever_ again. I will _always_ believe you, I will never walk away, and no one will ever hurt you again. You _need _to believe that."

Lux sniffled. "I know, I'm trying. Sometimes I just get so scared ..."

"You don't need to. There is nothing in this world that could make me leave you."

Lux nodded, still crying. It was as if all the walls she had built around herself over the last four years had been destroyed and she could do nothing but let the waves of emotion overtake her.

Cate moved back to the bed and wrapped her arms around Lux, wanting to never let her go. She scooted them both backward so they were laying down, Lux's head resting on Cate's shoulder, still wrapped tightly in her arms. Slowly, the girl quieted again and began to breathe evenly.

"I'm so tired," Lux whispered. Cate knew she was exhausted in so many different ways.

"Try to sleep," she suggested softly, still smoothing the girl's hair in a gentle, calming rhthym.

"Will you stay with me?" Lux asked sleepily, her eyes already drifting closed.

Cate kissed her gently on the forehead. "Always."


End file.
